Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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