she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
