I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
