I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
