Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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