ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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