from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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