I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
