So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
