I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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