I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
