just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize