you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
