there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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