Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
