So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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