I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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