He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
