Your dad touched me again.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
