I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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