Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
