I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
