I just saw a hot homeless man
My liver just broke up with me...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize