im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
