I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
