The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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