I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
