When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Holy shit dude........stairs
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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