I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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