Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
