Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This baby is an asshole
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
