I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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