i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize