i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There r osticjed everywhere
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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