Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
