Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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