Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
