how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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