I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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