god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
