like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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