There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
