I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
