I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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