I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
