I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
