i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
