I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think I just sharted jello shots
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
