This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
