He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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