I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
