literally had 100 drinks last night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
