Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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