I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
