You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
