I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
