I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
