so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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